THE ROLLING NEWS

“And we turn again to our breaking top story this hour of the Tory peer Lord Farquhar walking on the grass at Kew.  As you can see from the pictures, the sign clearly states ‘Do Not Walk On The Grass’ and there he goes, strolling across it ...”
“Do you think he realised, Charlie?  I mean, it almost shows spectacular arrogance or at the very least a lack of consideration, trampling over those young grass shoots.”
“Well this is it, Suzannah, I don’t know how he can expect to get away with it.  There you are, there it is again, pictures of Tory peer Lord Farquhar walking on the grass at Kew with the sign clearly in evidence there ‘Do Not Walk On The Grass’.”
“In the studio with us are Dr Elizabeth Fescue, an expert on grass from Kew and one of Lord Farquhar’s associates, Lord Juglan.  Welcome to the studio.”
“We turn to you first, Lord Juglan – as we watch there the Tory peer Lord Farquhar walking on the grass at Kew and the sign that clearly states that he’s not allowed to do so.  A catastrophic mistake?  Or a complete and utter lack of respect for young grass?”
“Well, well, Charlie, I’d say it’s a mistake really.  Lord Farquhar as you can see isn’t really looking where he’s going ...”
“But shouldn’t he be aware of where he’s going?  Isn’t it important that someone as high up as Lord Farquhar watches constantly where he’s going?  How can people have confidence in ...”
“Now, now Suzannah, dear, it’s impossible to expect high up Tory Peers to constantly watch where they are going at all times.”
“I’m sorry to interrupt, Lord Juglan, as we show you the pictures again of Lord Farquhar, walking across the grass at Kew, that young, tender grass and Lord Farquhar’s feet crushing it with the sign clearly in evidence there – Do Not Walk on the Grass.”
“Dr Fescue, how does it make you feel?”
“Well, Suzannah, it’s awful, really awful.  We were delighted to receive him at Kew, but then, then he tramples on our grass shoots in that arrogant way, I mean for Lord Juglan to claim he wasn’t looking where he was going, well I’m sorry, it’s not an excuse.  I’m devastated and sickened by this – this betrayal of our trust and ...”
“Lord Farquhar is a peer, a busy man with a busy life, you cannot expect him to know where he’s going at all times, let alone watch where he’s putting his feet!”
“Lord Juglan!  Please do not interrupt me!  ...”
“I think our viewers feel very strongly about this, as we show you the pictures again of Lord Farquhar walking across the grass at Kew with the sign, clearly in evidence there.  Suzannah, we have viewer’s texts on this, don’t we?”
“Yes, Charlie, we do.  We have one from Jane from Kent saying it shows breath taking arrogance, one from Clive from Hertfordshire stating that he should resign immediately and one from Matt from Scotland saying why the bleep are we reporting ...”
“Ah, sorry to interrupt, Suzannah, new pictures of Lord Farquhar the Tory peer walking across the grass at Kew, the sign is even more paramount in this – you can see clearly, it says ‘Do Not Walk On The Grass’.  Now, we’ll come back to this story straight after the weather.  Good grass growing weather, is it, Carol?”