THE ROBOT

I am a loathsome, repulsive, ugly, self indulgent individual, nobody likes me and I hate people. Obviously you socialise or you don’t survive, so many years ago I had an idea. I would create a robot who I could live inside and the robot would be pretty and frivolous and fun and nice to everyone, while I sat inside it free to think my own thoughts and pursue my hobbies. I programmed the robot with three basic commands:-
1) Be pretty, frivolous, fun and nice to everyone.

2) Take time to listen to people, they like talking about themselves, be kind to them and help whenever you’re needed.

3) Never betray me, never tell them what I’m thinking.

The idea was that the robot would take over my body and go to work or wherever and be my social face. This worked really well. The robot was universally loved by everyone. I was lost in awe over how she could be so unfailingly positive about everything and so amazingly nice. I wondered why people didn’t want to throw up all over the robot, she was so fucking lovely. She helped people when they needed her and genuinely seemed to care about them. She was invited to all the best parties - the in-crowd which had shunned me thought she was fantastic. When I came home, I could dispense with the robot and be myself, but time for this became shorter and shorter, what with all the people phoning, visiting etc, there was very little time left for me. She stuck so faithfully to that third rule; I could never express myself at any time, except when I was alone.

The robot fell in love and got married to a really nice guy. Would I have fallen in love with him? I don’t know. A guy like that wouldn’t have even looked at me. Besides, it didn’t really matter, the sort of men I fall in love with have always been unobtainable; so the robot may as well get a chance for happiness, while I indulge in dreams and fantasies of others ... Everyone said how gorgeous the robot looked in her wedding dress. She shone that day, going round smiling at all of them. I wanted to vomit.

Now, the robot is a popular, successful business woman with a wonderful husband and friends. Obviously, he’s always around now, so there’s no time for me. I am trapped inside her, looking at the world through her eyes, watching her be such a saint and going through her motions. There’s no escape, because like I say, she never betrays me. She’s done such an amazing job and I hate her for it. No-one knows who I am. I may as well not exist. I am ... lonely.