THE SERIAL MONOGAMIST

Xander was lead guitarist in a band, I really like music, so we had loads in common.  He was FUN.  Only problem was George was still there, never leaving my side.  When I did manage to get away, it only seemed right to ask Xander, as Xander so desperately wanted to be with me, if he’d murder George and make it look like an accident.  Of course, George shouldn’t suffer, he’d been part of my life for so long, it was right to show him respect and despatch him gently.

Xander was up for it when he heard how much money I’d come into, George was soon out of the picture and Xander and I were blissfully together.  However, something happened on the way to forever, Xander got Repetitive Strain Injury and couldn’t play his guitar, he got a job in a bank instead.  In the evenings he was always there, sitting on the couch, enlarging his beer belly with cans of Stella and farting.  He wasn’t FUN anymore.  Soon I met John, John was a chemist and I really like drugs, so we had loads in common.  John wanted to be with me, so it seemed only fair to ask him to arrange an overdose for Xander.  Didn’t really matter if Xander suffered, afterall he’d killed the lovely dependable George; so I didn’t have much sympathy.

John liked the idea of me inheriting music royalties.  Xander was despatched and given his history of substance abuse, no-one was surprised.  It was great with John for eighteen months, having sex while taking ecstasy is wonderful.  Then I got fed up of it and I didn’t like John’s habit of leaving his hairs in the sink after shaving.  Dan was a cop who was exploring some irregularities surrounding Xander’s death; he fell totally in love with me during his investigation.  He liked upholding the law, I like breaking it, so we had loads in common.  He arrested John for Xander’s murder, John tried to make out that I’d had a part in it, what rubbish!  Such a shame that John died after a beating in prison while on remand.  Lovely of Dan to arrange it.

Dan was a pain.  Wouldn’t let me leave the house, suspicious, can’t think why.  I’d sit on the window ledge staring out at the street.  Dmitri would see me on his way home at night, I’d open my window and we’d have a chat.  He was shocked to learn that Dan wouldn’t let me leave the house.  Dmitri was from Russia and I’ve been more people than one of those Russian dolls – an identity for every new man - so we have loads in common.  So kind of him to run Dan over in his 4x4.

Curiously, once I’d moved in with Dmitri, I realised I didn’t actually feel anything.  I’d look at us in the mirror and see two strangers; he seems older and fatter than the man I saw out of my window.  I’m trying to evoke those first feelings of passionate love I’d had with ... when had I last felt that way?  Xander?  I miss Xander and George.  George was always there for me and Xander was FUN.  Still, can’t go back now, can only continue.  Onwards and upwards.