THE ROOM HUNT

“Welcome.  Cup of tea?”  He was a good looking older man.
She was instantly interested; “Please.”
He had a character dwelling and the room he showed her was huge.  Then began the Twat Test - the talk in which potential land person and lodger suss each other out.  “My relationship of two years broke up ...”
What guy in his late forties has a relationship lasting only two years?
“... I’m stuck with a £400,000 house on the island and this place ...”
Am I meant to be impressed?
“... I've been a software engineer for twenty years, I hate it.  Next year I’m going to go to Namibia to join an elephant conservation programme.  When I return I’ll become a life coach.  It’s all about controlling your inner chimp ...”
What’s he on about?  Just fucking nod and smile.
“... Once you identify your inner chimp, you can communicate with it - tell it to calm down.  Oh and I’m taking up salsa dancing.”
This is a mid-life crisis on legs.
“You seem ever so nice and friendly.”
I haven’t said anything.  “Thank you, Colin, that’s kind.  I’ve got other rooms to look at, I’ll let you know.”

“Hello, thanks for coming.  I’m Terry.  Cup of tea?”  He was an ordinary non-threatening man.
She was instantly at ease; “Please.”
He had a normal home with a big room to rent and it all came out during the Twat Test.
“Do you know a celebrity has slept in that bed?  Have you heard of Lonely Lionel Blue?”
“One hit wonder with ‘I’m So Totally Lonely Tonight’?  Good song.”
“Two hits, don’t forget ‘It’s Been a Crazy Lonely Summer’.”
Ooops
“His guitarist, Fatty Natty slept in that bed.  That’s Fatty Natty with Lionel in the old days.  There’s one of Fatty Natty now and there’s one of me and Fatty Natty at an award ceremony ...”
Oh my God, there are pictures of Fatty Natty everywhere.
“I’ve got the memorabilia in my cupboard.  Tracey who lived here used to sit with me and watch slide shows I’d made of photos from the glory days to music ...”
I’d rather sit in my room alone in the dark and stick pins into my legs.
“You seem ever so nice and friendly.”
I haven’t said anything.  “Thanks Terry, that’s kind.  I’ve got other rooms to look at, I’ll let you know.”

“Hi, I’m Laurence.  Come in.”  He was a smug man with an oily complexion, “I’ve run out of tea.  Sorry it’s a shit hole.  Manky Franky was meant to clean up.”

“Manky Franky?”
“You’ll realise why when you meet him.  Come upstairs.”
The room was a small and dark, with wardrobe, desk and bed.  It smelt of takeaway.
“And this is the bathroom.”
“There’s no mirror.”
“It fell off the wall in the middle of the night.  We all shat ourselves.  I live here with my wife, Helen, but my mistress comes round when she’s at work.  Can you be discreet?  There’s me and Helen, Manky Franky and Pervy Pete.  You’d be taking Lisa’s room, she moved out when Pete shagged and dumped her - never a dull moment.  Tell me about you.  You seem nice and friendly, but you never know."
“I enjoy constant, unending drama and the misery and folly of others.  The competition’s been tough, but I’d like to take this room.”