THE DARKEST DREAM

I love Mariam, that’s why I told her. I couldn’t let her keep thinking I’m a saint when I’ve cheated. Problem is, she’s so fucking fragile, a depressive, haunted by that darkest dream – suicide ideation.

When I ‘fessed up, she didn’t cry or register surprise. She asked politely if she could have a moment. I grilled her as to her next move and she replied; “What do you care?” which really pissed me off. I left her to it and seconds later she was in her car, driving off at speed, no bags packed and she didn’t take her medication. I gave her time, and then rang, but her phone was switched off. At 3am, I panicked and went out to look for her.

This is the last place I’ve tried, I don’t want to face the truth, but here’s her Vauxhall at Beachy Head car park. I’m in bits, imagining the conversation I’ll have with the cops; “We were having problems, I cheated on her.” They’ll look at me like I’m a bastard. I park up, tears are starting and I’ve got a lurching feeling in my stomach. Nothing seems real. Running up to the cliff top passes in a blur. I see her silhouette in the dawn light. Thank God! “Mariam!”

She faces me, the wind blowing her black hair forward over her face, so I can’t see her eyes.
“I’ve been waiting,” she says.
She’s right at the cliff edge, oh fuck she’s going to do it in front of me! I put on my most reasonable voice; “Mariam, be sensible, think of yer Mum, yer friends,” then I beg, “please don’t do this to me!”
She doesn’t move. I take a step closer, if I can get near enough, I can grab the front of her blouse, pull her forwards, into my arms, hold her and tell her how fucking sorry I am. Another stride and she’s staring at me as if transfixed. I lunge, reaching forward and she dodges gracefully to the side, I nearly go over the edge, stupid cow! Then I feel the push and I’m falling, there’s cold air in my face, I can see the sea and the rocks rushing up and what’s that howling in my ears? Oh Jesus, it’s me, screaming.   It seems I was wrong, her darkest dream was murder ideation – mine.