IN YOUR SHADOW

My life suddenly lost direction.  I was left uncertain and over-whelmed by a hundred possibilities.  I could not choose.  You offered me shelter and took the pain of decision away.  I've always sought to hide and you are a big tall man, there was room for me in your shadow.  It became my refuge and you made it so easy, happily making my choices for me after courteously asking for my opinion and kindly accepting that I had none.

Obviously I needed camouflage, so I wore charcoal greys by day and midnight blue or black at night.  I was happy when people stopped noticing me.  Waitresses deferred to you for food orders and bills; barmen who used to give me the briefest of smiles were now dead eyed and disinterested as they took your money and provided drinks.  The world carried on without noticing that I was gradually slipping away.

I couldn't have chosen a more charismatic protector.  Even my friends, who had previously been eager for my views, now cared only for yours.  At the dinner party, they spoke to you, while I played with my food and watched myself disappear inside your big grey shadow, in my grey dress, free to pass the time thinking my own thoughts.

These deliberations were suddenly interrupted by the sound of my name.  It was my long time friend Sarah speaking; “So, where’s Jane tonight?” she asked you.

Right here, I thought, but I didn't speak because that would mean stepping out and standing out.
You stared at her; “I – I thought she was here.”
You looked over my head, then in the opposite direction and became confused; “She was here!”
“I didn't see her,” Sarah's husband John stated.
“She didn't come in with you,” Sarah added.
You stood, distress evident on your face; “I'm sure I … look, I should go home!”
I smiled, happy in the knowledge that what I had always wanted had happened.  I had disappeared, I no longer existed.