THE PRIVATE SELLER

“Welcome! ... Yeah, having difficulty selling my house, buyer backed out, cost me a fortune, trying to sell it privately now. It’s newly decorated in magnolia as instructed by the late estate agent.  This is the living room, lots of space, with an original feature – the fireplace ... Yes, that’s a human head you can see dangling upside down from the chimney space.  The chimney is blocked so I was able to cement in a hook, from which the estate agent I referred to is dangling ... He told me this property was worth £140,000, so I went with his company.  An insulting offer was made, but he told me I’d get no more than the £125,000 because any higher and they’d have to pay stamp duty. He didn’t inform me of that during his sales patter.  I subsequently used his tie to strangle him unconscious and gag him, then I hung him upside down.  It took him some time to die.

“May I steer you quite insistently to the dining room.  I’m glad you’ve noticed the giant target I put over the wall.  My uncle was a knife thrower in the circus, taught me all he knew ... The guy stuck on there, suspended by the long bladed knives?  He did a valuation for the buyer, charged her a fortune, then told her I had subsidence.  He was so intrigued by my circus skills, I decided to show him, unfortunately my aim’s not good.  I’ll have him removed when I’ve plastered over the crack in the wall he's hiding ... You’ve gone ever so quiet.

“Into the kitchen, lots of units, let me open them.  Do forgive the smell.  These body parts stuffed in the cupboards are of my solicitor.  If he’d acted quicker I might not be in this situation, but he dragged his feet.  I thought it’d be funny to cut them off and watch him bleed to death, after all, he was bleeding me dry ... then I went a bit mad with the saw ...

“What am I going to do with the gun in my hand?  Let’s see what you think of the rest of the property.  Would you like to do upstairs or see what’s in the basement? ... Upstairs.  This is the master bedroom ... Oh you like the canopy!  It’s made of the flesh of the buyer’s solicitor, the one that told her this house is bound to the religious law of Chancel and she shouldn’t purchase it.  That’s the vicar in the bath of the ensuite, do say a prayer for him, it was satisfying to lure him upstairs and hold his head under water, after he told me I’d be liable for £100,000 to repair the Church roof.  God can decide if he was truly a Christian.

“That’s the guest bedroom, just a box room really ... There’s nothing in that box except the buyer that backed out, I think she might still be alive, I’m currently starving her ... Sue!  Are you all right in there, love?  ... No reply.  That’s it, you’ve seen the garden out the kitchen window, I don’t think you want to see the shed ... Ah, almost forgot, the basement! ... What?  I don’t think you’re giving this property a fair examination.  I’m afraid I must insist that you come to the basement and see what’s there.”