THE TROUBLESHOOTER

In the centre of a dreary windowless office, the victim lay across a desk, skin translucent, eyes closed.  I put on gloves and turned his head to the side.  The familiar marks were there.
“You have a vampire,” I informed Simon the director.
“That’s why we called,” he said, “what can you do?”
“The victim?” I asked.
“Piers, an intern.  He was working late.”
“Everyone must leave before sunset.”
“No can do,” Simon replied, “we have deadlines.”
“All right,” I said, “I’ll make the office safe.”

The returning staff did not appreciate my efforts.

“You’ve got to take down the crucifixes,” Simon said, “you’ll offend Yousef.”
“I don’t care,” Yousef said.
“I’m not having them.  They make people feel uncomfortable and excluded.”
We were interrupted by the sound of wheezing; “My allergy to onions!” choked a woman and stumbled from the office.
“The garlic’s got to go,” Simon stated.
“I’ve got Health and Safety on the phone,” Yousef said, “they want to know why there’s water sprinkled on the surfaces and floors, it’s causing a hazard.”
I rolled my eyes; “I’ll clear away the holy water as well, then?”
Simon nodded.
“You’re leaving your staff vulnerable, unless I stay and catch the monster.”
“How do you propose disposing of it?”
“Stake through the heart.”
“Health and Safety won’t allow.  You might get splinters.”
Wordlessly, I handed him my bag of wooden stakes.

I could not leave these people to the monster’s mercy, so I stayed, listening to the excuses made to be gone before sunset.  Even Simon had an appointment to go to.  Soon the office was silent except the whoosh of air conditioning.  Unprotected by my usual weapons, I was not sure what to do, reason with the vampire?  Try to persuade it to find new hunting ground?  Eventually, I heard the automatic doors and turned.

“I thought you’d gone,” I said to Simon as he strode towards me.
His bloodshot eyes met mine and his mouth curved into a wide smile, revealing razor sharp canine teeth.  He was invited; part of the office team, no crucifix, garlic flower or charm would work, but he’d still had them taken away.  As for my plan of reasoning, why would he leave?  As Director, he had an endless supply of young, innocent interns to bleed dry ...

His hypnotic glare was drawing me in, I felt myself going towards his deadly embrace ... in desperation I flung my office chair at him and ran.  If I could get out and survive tonight, I could warn everyone in the morning.  But as I raced down the wide walkway, I realised I’d missed the turning to reception and was lost in a maze of featureless corridors.  I looked back; he was coming, jacket flaring out behind him, eyes red, hands outstretched.  I saw a sign to the gym and rushed in, hoping there would be someone there.  It was empty, but something caught my eye, the door to a booth.  This place had everything!  Simon was almost upon me, licking his lips, sensing victory.  I opened the booth door and backed in, he followed, shutting us in, gripping my shoulders, leaning to my neck.  I threw the switch and closed my eyes.  There was a rush of air and we were bathed in artificial sunlight.  I heard Simon scream and could feel the heat from his burning flesh as his body disintegrated.  When the six minutes ended and the ultra violet rays went out, I opened my eyes.  There is always a way to kill a vampire; my reputation as troubleshooter was intact; Simon was dust at my feet.  I could also see the beginnings of a lovely tan in the mirror.