HARLOW

I was born on the birthday of the cruel, sentimental God who ran the laboratory, so they named me Harlow after Him, even though I was a girl monkey.  I lived in a cage with Mother who loved me.  I would cling to her; if she was there I was afraid of nothing, not even the talking teddy bear ...

One day I climbed trustingly onto the hand of God and He whisked me out of the cage.  Mother made a terrible fuss, as I was put into a pitch dark pit.  I was sightless and when the door clanged shut, I could no longer hear Mother’s calls or anything.

Time had passed fast with Mother, a whirl of play, cuddles, milk, reassurance, love.  There was only dragging isolation and despair in the pit.  I could only feel – mesh under my feet; cold, smooth rounded sides, no bars to climb, nothing to swing from.  Sometimes there was brief light and a hand came down to with a change of food and water, but no-one comforted me.    

There was no reason to move, so I stopped.  There was nothing to cling to, so I clung to myself.  I held hard, fingers digging into my skin and I pulled out my hair, to convince myself I existed.  I huddled in darkness, rocking and rocking, crying and crying.  Mother didn’t come.  I forgot my friends, I even forgot the God Harlow who shared my name.  The days when I used to play slipped my mind and so did Mother – until the end.

After an eternity, the hand descended and removed me from the black pit into blinding light.  I closed my eyes.  When I finally opened them, I found myself, a grown monkey, in a cage with others, but they were bounding up and down the wires, playing boisterously.  The constant movement and noise terrified me and I wanted to go back into the pit.  When they approached, I put my head in my hands, then ran away and found somewhere to hide.  I was weird, so they left me alone, until I was put into the cage with the man monkey.  He was big, healthy - his fur shone and he moved confidently, ignoring me.  They tied me to a rack, in a certain pose ... I don’t want to remember.  He advanced then and did something to me that hurt.

I was left alone in a bright airy cage; there were toys, a branch, a cuddly thing – like I could play!  I huddled like always.  I was getting fatter and could feel something wriggling in my belly, which was confusing.  When it happened I would put my head in my hands.  Eventually the cramps came and a tiny version of me came out of my body, a baby!  That’s when I remembered how Mother had loved me, how I’d clung to her.  The baby tried to cling to me, but I pushed it away, I could not love it, it would only be taken and put into that horrible black pit.  They’d destroy it as they’d destroyed me.  I thought of what Mother would have done if she’d known what awaited me.  I took the branch and, when it came to cling to me again, I crushed my baby’s skull.