THE NOISE

The new home was as pristine as the last and the garden was decked out in fairy lights.  The house warming party looked like it was going to be the same as all Henderson gatherings, perfect.  The beer was the right temperature, the champagne had the correct crisp biscuity bubbliness and there was a balance of healthy and decadent at the buffet.  Their friends and colleagues were torn between envy and joy at being present at such a sumptuous event. 

Kelly sighed contentedly and smiled at Clarice Henderson; “This is a great house warming party, such a lovely house.”

“Yes,” Clarice said frowning, “except the Noise.”
“What noise?” Kelly asked.
“Can’t you hear it?” Clarice enquired. “When we viewed it, it was lovely and quiet, but from the minute we moved in there was this noise.”
Kelly frowned as Clarice went away to circulate, usually at a Henderson party the hosts controlled the conversation so well that nothing strange was ever said and the subject matter was never deep or taxing.  There wasn’t usually anything to worry about, but now there was.
“David,” Kelly called her husband to the drinks table.
“What dear?”
“Can you hear a noise?”
He listened; “No.”
"Neither can I.  Clarice thinks she can.”
“So does Roger.”
Kelly looked at Roger Henderson, he wasn’t his usual cheery self, he was rubbing his temples.  When he saw her looking a smile covered his face like a mask.
“What did he say the Noise was?” Kelly asked.
At that moment Oscar joined them at the table; “Is this the Noise?” he asked, “it’s such a puzzle!  I can’t hear it.”
“Neither can we.”
Oscar hummed a spooky tune; “Only they can.  Apparently it’s like a high pitched whining sound.  Roger said it started off in the background, but recently it’s been getting louder and louder.  They’ve had the Council round and everything.”
They watched Clarice cross the lawn to her husband, at one point she stepped clumsily into a flower bed.
“Is she drunk?” Kelly hissed.
“Apparently they’re not sleeping,” Oscar said, “the Noise keeps them awake.”
“It’s not as good a party as usual,” David complained, “shall we make it an early night dear?”
Kelly shook her head, she wanted to stay to the end to gather as much gossip about the strange fate of her successful friends as possible.
Alison topped up her glass and turned to them; “Are you talking about the Noise?”
“Yes!” whispered Kelly.
“Did you hear they had the Council round?  They couldn’t measure anything!  Said there was nothing to hear.  So Clarice went to the doctor.”
“But they both can hear it,” Oscar frowned.
“Yes but Roger wouldn’t go...”
“Oh, is this about the Noise?” William had arrived, “load of nonsense if you ask me.”

The group at the drinks table looked round to see if the Hendersons had heard.  The Hendersons were alone in the middle of their perfectly manicured lawn, Roger was clutching at his head in pain and Clarice was clinging to him crying.

TITSZZZ

The office Christmas party started when Josh opened a bottle of Moet, tools were downed, glasses found, cakes taken from the fridge and party poppers let off.  It was Mad Friday and by 6pm the judgement of Josh, Simon and Derek was completely skewed.  When they went on a perfume sniffing mission, involving them burying their heads into the décolletage of every female, the office manager promptly suggested the three leave for town.

On their way out, they noticed a whisky bottle in the kitchen and decided to take it.  They piled into the room laughing at their audacity.  The cleaner, in an extremely bad mood, was putting glasses into the dishwasher.

“Hello darlin’!” shouted Josh, looking at his mates giggling, “I’m gonna sniff the cleaner’s tits!”
She straightened to protest, but he swept her slight frame up, sat her on the counter and buried his head in her tiny chest; “Peanuts!” he yelled.
“That’s what she smells like?” Simon laughed.
“Soap is what she smells like, peanuts is what she has.  You need a boob job, love!”
Simon thought it was hilarious, but Derek intervened, pulling Josh off; “Town,” he said and mouthed an apology to the cleaner.
“Wait,” she said, without hesitation, “there are women with better tits at eibmoZ Club.  It’s where WAG’s and models end their night.”
Simon handed her his smartphone, “Plug the postcode in, sweetheart.”

Later, they found themselves in a graveyard.  Puzzled, they suspected it was a joke, but were willing to see it through.  Then they saw a crypt with fairy lights round it and a neon sign – eibmoZ CLUB.  The bouncer wore a hooded coat that rendered his face invisible.

“You can’t come in,” he grunted at Derek, “you’re drunk.  You two are welcome.”
It was a fair call, probably was Derek’s home time, he stumbled away, while Simon and Josh entered, walking down steps into a wall of thumping R&B music.  The club was dark, but they could see females in silhouette writhing on the dancefloor, long haired, thin with huge tits and curvy behinds – perfect!

They skipped the bar because they still had the whisky bottle and headed straight to the women; “Wanna sniff your t ...” Josh stopped mid sentence, staring at the redhead in front.  She was wearing a mini skirt and low top, but her flesh was hanging off her thin arms and decaying, her rib bones stuck through her exposed midriff, her face was slack and her tits were huge lumps of silicon yellowing with age.  She grabbed his head and pulled it against her, the overwhelming smell of corruption causing him to puke.  The music stopped; Simon, aware they were surrounded, pulled Josh up; “Ladies, excuse us, it’s the end of the night.”

“The night never ends here,” they chorused.
One of them pulled up her skirt to flash her silicon enhanced bony behind; “We’ve been waiting for lads like you!”
There were too many too push past, Simon and Josh gave up and let the wall of surgically enhanced women in various states of decay close in.  At least these girls were up for it.

Outside the cleaner leaned against the crypt wall, sharing a large cigar with the bouncer.  She gave the starlit sky a contented look and said to nobody in particular; “Merry Christmaszzz.”